


Non-Denominational Holiday Haunting

by queerbioengineer



Category: Ghostbusters (2016), Ghostbusters - All Media Types
Genre: Christmas, Established Erin Gilbert/Jillian Holtzmann, Established Relationship, Ghosts, Haunting, Holidays, Mary Winetoss is Jillian Holtzmann, Office Christmas Party Movie, So have fun, Some Fluff, Suicide mention, Undercover Missions, and laughs, but mostly ADVENTURE, if you have seen the movie, lets do this thing, some naughty stuff later, there is some angst, there will be mentions of drugs and alcohol, you know where this goes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-11 01:49:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8948854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerbioengineer/pseuds/queerbioengineer
Summary: Holtzmann and Erin were looking forward to spending the holidays together. But what happens when a haunting in Chicago requires a month long, undercover mission?The Office Christmas Party/ Ghostbusters mashup that nobody asked for but everyone should want.





	1. The Immaculate Conception

 7:00 AM, December 21st.

 

Erin woke once again on the right side of her bed in the firehouse. She sighed, rolling over to the night table on the left side to turn her alarm off.

She refused to move the clock from Jillian’s side, even though she was gone, the left side of the bed glaringly empty in the grey morning light. 

 

\---

_ “It has to go on my side, Ez. I’ve got faster reflexes.” _

_ “Mhm.” _

_ “I can turn it off before it hurts your cute lil’ ears.” _

_ “You want to tinker with it while I’m asleep.” _

_ “…maybeee.” _

\---

 

 A month ago, she would’ve been woken up ten minutes prior to the alarm for soft, sleepy kisses in bed, but all of that changed a month ago. One full month, sleeping by herself. It shouldn’t have been so cold and empty, she was used to it after 40 years of sleeping alone. But it was almost like the 4 brief months she had been with Jillian had reset her entire system. 

 

5 months, technically, the physicist grumbled to herself. She wasn’t one to wallow in self pity, she told herself as she got out of her lonely bed to put on her lonely slippers and make herself a lonely cup of coffee. Yup, not wallowing at all. Score one for Gilbert, Score Zero for nobody because she was alone. 

 

Not true Erin, she chastised. You have Patty here to keep you company. Abby, of course, was also absent. Due to that damn phone call they got the day after Thanksgiving. 

 

—

_10:30 AM, November 25th_

 

_ “Hello? Is this the Ghostbusters?”  _

_ “Yes, Conductors of the Metaphysical Examination, how may I help you?” _

_ Kevin had gotten lost on the way to work for the 3rd time this month, so Erin was stuck answering the phones. She patiently waited for the shaky voice to continue.  _

 

_ “My-my name is Andrew Chesterfield, and I doubt you’ll be hearing from me again-“ _

_ Erin straightened in her seat immediately. “Sir, if you are dealing with a malevolent spirit, we can be there right away, you’ll be alright-“ _

_ “No, no, I mean… I’m quitting my job.” _

_ Erin frowned. “Okay?” She began to doubt this guy knew what they did here. Or was it another prank call? _

 

_ The man continued: “I just thought you might want to know… I think my old office building is haunted. It’s out of state, but, I feel like you should know… everyone in HR keeps getting these creepy phone calls all day, threatening messages, but... the caller ID never traces back to anything.” Erin could hear the man’s breath shudder over the phone. “Please, it.. it says it wants to burn the building to the ground. I can’t take it anymore, but I don’t want people to get hurt. We have hundreds of employees-“  _

_ Erin cut the man off in a soothing voice. “Sir, you did the right thing by calling this in. My colleagues and I will be right over to investigate.” _

 

_ “You don’t understand, miss. The CEO won’t have any of it. She wouldn’t even let the Chief Technical Officer call the police, some bullshit about the company not needing any scandals, with quarterlies coming up. She’s always threatening to shut the branch down, so of course her word is final. She’ll never let you guys in there." _

 

_ Erin rubbed her temples, putting the man on speaker. Of course investigating a major paranormal threat was going to be hindered by corporate bullshit. “Very well, sir. I will talk this out with the team. Do you have anyone I can contact in your former place of employment.?” _

 

_ “Yes, his name is Josh Parker, and you’re looking for Zenotek’s Chicago branch.” _

 

\---

 

Erin breathed into her steaming cup of coffee. She had gotten off to a great start that morning, making a second mug with extra extra cream and sugar without even thinking about it. Hopefully Patty would be interested in the Jillian Holtzmann special.

 

She and the historian had been called on a few busts a week in the last month, and had worked fairly well together, all things considered. Not only were they working with half of their usual manpower, but Erin’s moral had been at an all time low. Patty had walked in on her crying just yesterday morning because she misjudged the distance from the milk carton to her cereal bowl and splashed some on the floor. She was literally crying over spilled milk. When Patty pointed this out to her, she only cried harder. 

“Girl, I know you miss her, but you actin’ like she dead or somethin’. She’s gonna be back.”

Erin had sniffled. “But when?”

Patty couldn’t answer.

 

——

 

_ “Carol, I- Carol could you please just…” Erin grew more and more frustrated with the CEO on the other end of the line, as her fellow Ghostbusters strained to listen to what was being said over in Chicago.  _

 

_ “I’m all for powerful women in business, but this bitch sounds stone cold,” Abby whispered. “She has to let us investigate, right? She wouldn’t just endanger the entire branch to avoid a scandal.” _

 

_ “I wouldn’t be so sure Abby.” Holtz’s mischievous smile grew wider as she recognized the look on her girlfriend’s face. “Aaaand in three…two…one…” _

 

_ “CAROL! GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, CAROL!” Erin slammed the phone back into the receiver after losing her patience with the obstinate CEO. Her shoulders slumped, and she trudged over to where Holtz’s arms were waiting with a soothing hug. “She won’t do it. She refuses. That Josh guy warned me she would be like this.” _

 

_ “Well, we can’t just let the building stay haunted,” Abby insisted. “From what Andrew was saying, I think this entity, or entities, is after this whole company.”  _

 

_ Holtz snickered: “I love entities,” earning herself a smack on the arm from Erin, and a look that said really, with the fifth grader humor?_

 

_ Patty looked thoughtful. “Is there a way we could sneak in there without them noticing? Maybe we could dress up like cleaning ladies, put on some silly accents or something, so we won’t get recognized.”  _

 

_ Erin shook her head. “It won’t work. A place like that, everyone has name tags, security officers… we’d need to actually work there to get in.” _

 

_ Holtzmann had been quiet this whole time, leaning against Erin’s desk while fiddling with a couple of wires. An idea had been slowly growing in her mind, and she didn’t want to kill it by speaking too soon. But as her fellow ghostbusters looked stumped, she tentatively piped up: _

_ “What if one of us did work there?” _

 

_ Erin glanced up. “What do you mean, Jill?” _

 

_ Holtz spoke slowly: “Well, Josh mentioned that the head of HR was going on maternity leave. Perfect time for a substitute to come swooping in, don’t you think? And I did some acting in college, so I could possibly… be the HR lady.” _

 

_ Abby perked up, a grin lighting up her face. “Holtz, you’re talking about a real infiltration, that is… that is perfect! We can get in, find the ghosts, and noone will suspect a thing!” _

 

_ Patty seemed less sure. “I dunno Holtzy, you have a pretty signature look. I think it’d be pretty easy for them to figure out who you are, and you don’t exactly… come off, as an HR person, per-say.” _

 

_ A wicked grin overtook Holtz’s features. “ Oh Patty, my sweet, sweet Patty. You won’t even recognize me.”  _

 


	2. Workplace Relationships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More backstory and context before the real shitshow begins. God I loved both these movies.
> 
> Oh, and don't forget the emotional trip.

 

3:13 AM, December 22nd

 

Holtzmann blinked a couple of times, bringing herself out of her fitful slumber. Her tired eyes fell on the empty right side of the futon mattress in the cramped studio apartment. She sighed into her pillow. Some old person somewhere probably said that old habits died hard. 

 

Groaning, she pushed herself up onto her elbows and got her bearings, scratching her head beneath its mess of blonde curls. She knew by now that it was no use trying to get more sleep at this point in the night. Holtz did not sleep amazingly well on the best of occasions, but since going undercover, it had gotten even worse. She was lucky if she got three hours a night these days, whereas cuddled up with her girlfriend, she could get a dependable six.  

 

After shooting a quick text to Abby to see if she was awake in her nearby motel room, she stumbled over to her stash of room-temperature energy drinks and cracked one open, sighing after taking a deep swig. Of course, if anyone in (ahem) “the Office” asked, Mary Winehouse only drank chai tea, and the occasional glass of chardonnay. Alas, she was many things, Holtzmann thought as she drained half the can in one glug, but she was not a method actor. 

* * *

 

 

_ 4:12 PM, November 25th  _

 

_ “You know you’ve been reading the same page for the last 20 minutes, Erin.” _

 

_ The woman in question lowered her book into her lap, glaring at Abby across the room. Dammit. _

 

_ “Well excuse me for not being able to focus. We’re just going to send her over there, to Chicago, by herself, to hunt down whatever’s in there? By herself? What if it’s worse than we thought, what if she needs backup?” Erin began pacing around the room at some point during this, chewing her lip in concern. “Why can’t someone go with her? I don’t like this Abby, not one bit.” _

 

_ Abby sighed. “Well, we need to set her up in a semi-permanent address, or it’ll look suspicious to the employer. I told her I’d be the roommate, but she says that would look like we’re lesbians.” _

 

_ Erin gaped at her. “But… she is a lesbian.” _

 

_ Abby rubbed her temples. “Yes, I am painfully aware of that. But she says her character is, quote, 'straighter than the rod stuck up Carol’s ass.’ She seems to have an alarmingly specific idea of the sort of person who works in HR, and whenever I question it, she claims I’m “impeding her artistic process.’” _

 

_ Erin groaned, falling onto the 1st floor couch in defeat. She lifted her chin up from the pile of pillows she was buried in to give Abby a pleading look. “Can’t you stay in a motel nearby or something? Just to be there if she needs you?” _

 

_ Abby nodded. “That’s a good idea. And I’ll call you guys if something serious comes up.” _

 

_ Erin relaxed marginally at that. There was still a twinge in her chest,however. A twinge that had been there all day, ever since Jillian volunteered herself to go undercover. She knew Jill got excited about things like this, but she couldn’t help being a little hurt that Jill was so anxious to leave for Chicago, for who knows how long it took. That was why she chose not to volunteer herself to go with Jill, a fact that Abby tactfully chose not to comment on. Because, frankly, she was hurt Jillian didn't ask her to go with her in the first place. _

 

_ Patty interrupted her toxic thought process by yelling down the stairs from the lab, where Jillian’s disguise had been prepared over the last few hours : “Y’all ready to meet our undercover agent?” _

* * *

 

 

“Good morning, Mary. You’re here early.” 

 

“Quarterly reviews wait for no man, woman, or otherwise identifying person, Carla.”

 

Holtzmann gave the security guard a curt smile, pretending to be made uncomfortable by the extra scanning around her bulky woolen skirt. Mary, of course, was extra careful about sexual harassment ever since “the incident” that caused Andrew to quit his job. Because of course being not-so-casually groped by a woman in a turtleneck is a much more palatable reason than being threatened by a ghost. 

 

Once she was in the elevator, Holtz allowed herself a brief scratch underneath the wig she wore to work every day. As dedicated as she was to her character, she had refused to cut her hair for this particular roll, choosing to instead don a wig that featured a rather matronly haircut. 

 

Being Mary was rather tiresome, as Holtz was used to dancing around the lab freely, kissing Erin whenever she wanted, and making as much loud noise, crazy science, and sexual innuendos as one could in an 8-hour workday. Mary, bless her heart, was so incredibly different from Holtz. Every step was calculated, and every choice, painstakingly careful. 

 

Holtz puttered over to her office in HR, checking her surroundings before pulling up the files of all the intel she had accumulated in the last few weeks on her desktop. So far, only 2 of her employees had admitted to hearing ghostly threats over the phone, and one more had gone quite pale at the suggestion before insisting they hadn’t heard anything. 

 

However, after worming her way into the office gossip, Holtz discovered that several of the employees from the branches that had been shut down by the new CEO had killed themselves. Mary gave a scandalized “oh dear, well be sure to pass around the pamphlets on sadness in the workplace.” Holtzmann, on the other hand, cursed the cruelty of corporate America, wanting to get her hands on this “Carol."

 

But, she thought grimly, it was kinda good news, for her at least. She now had a good lead on who these vengeful spirits might be. She had Abby looking into potential leyline activity around the Chicago area, while she set up a private meeting with Josh, the only person in the office who knew her true identity. 

 

“Can you think of any reason why the ghosts would be attacking this branch in particular?” Holtz muttered as the two pondered the invitations for the office christmas party the next day. “My associate says that none of the other branches have reported any unusual activity."

 

“I’m not sure,” Jason mumbled. “Although, and it could be nothing, but I know that this was the branch that Clay’s dad started out in.”

 

Holtz pondered this new information while she tutted at the word 'Christmas' on her gaudy invitations. Clay was the manager of the Chicago branch, and while Mary certainly had some things to say about his foul language and childlike behavior, Holtzmann adored his happy-go-lucky attitude and genuine concern for his employees, as well as his extensive nerf gun collection. She would definitely be smoking a few with him when this was all over. 

 

“And you said Carol was Clay’s sister, right?”

 

“Yeah, but there’s no love lost there, believe me,” Josh muttered.

 

“Maybe the spirits want to get revenge on Carol by destroying her dad’s branch. Or maybe, they want to — tie, Jeremy, you have to wear a tie, this is a work environment, not a Dave Matthews concert.”

 

“Aw shove it, Mary.”

 

As Jeremy stalked away from the coffee machine, Holtzmann rubbed her temples. Getting most of the staff to hate her had been part of her plan to blend in. Nobody liked HR, nobody. However it was exhausting sticking to so many rules, and being such an asshole about it to everyone else. She didn’t know how Erin survived in academia for so long. 

* * *

 

 

_ Erin gaped at the sight in front of her. When she approached the staircase, she had been expecting to find her girlfriend. Her bubbly, energetic, glorious weirdo of a girlfriend. But when the click of sensible business shoes came to a halt in front of her, she was looking at someone else entirely. She was looking at- _

 

_ “Mary Winetoss,” the woman said in a voice that was stiff and no-nonsense. The sort of voice one would hear from a teacher that all the kids in elementary school hated. Indeed, her entire outfit screamed non-offensive. While Holtzmann’s usual garb was eccentric and unconventionally hot, Mary Winehouse’s outfit was just dumpy. She wore thick layers and gaudy patterns that just screamed “single and too stale to mingle.” She also wore far too much makeup, whereas Holtz only ever liked to highlight her features, and was usually too lazy even for that. And her hair was just… yeesh. _

 

_ It was, to say the least, an amazing disguise. Noone would ever guess that this was Jillian Holtzmann, the gluten-full Ghostbuster.  _

 

_ She continued her introduction in that same voice, which was so complacent and dull that Erin found herself astounded that this was the same woman she had watched set the ceiling fan on fire.  _

 

_ “I live alone, with exactly 12 birds, soon to be eleven. Yes, I dress like this all the time, and no, nobody likes it. I drive a minivan, because I have an undying passion for Costco. I make a mean tuna casserole. My last boyfriend left me because I wouldn’t stop talking about how the local news anchor reminds me of Robert Redford in his good years.”  _

 

_ Erin was speechless. Abby was snapping pictures. Patty was admiring her handiwork, and Kevin was asking whose mom that was. Finally, Holtzmann winked at her girlfriend, bringing her out of her trance. “What do you think, babe?” _

 

_ Erin stuttered, unsure of what to say. “I mean this is… wow, Holtz. You don’t look like yourself at all.” _

 

_ Holtz smirked. “Well, I have to look the part of the stuffy HR lady. Who knows how long this is going to take.” _

 

_ Erin looked down at her shoes, overcome with the reality that Holtzmann was leaving her for an extended period of time. She felt tears welling  in her eyes, anticipating the painful separation. It had only been four months, but Holtz was so much a part of her life now. But now Holtz wasn’t going to be her Holtz, she was going to be… this lady. She felt her anxiety begin to spiral. What if Holtz fell out of love with her while she was gone? What if she met someone else? What if... _

 

_ “I’ll go pack the gear,” Erin muttered, excusing herself to the lab where her heart could break in private, leaving a dejected Mary Winetoss in her absence.  _

 

* * *

 

Holtz rubbed her hands together for warmth in the chilly office. She had gotten 7 threatening ghost calls today, a record number. Paranormal activity had been growing exponentially in the last week, and she had a hunch that if the ghosts were going to make a move, tomorrow would be the perfect time to do it. It was the day of Mary’s “non-denominational holiday mixer,” where all the employees were basically obligated to be. 

 

She sighed. Abby was working on the blueprints she had drawn up for her: portable ghost busting equipment that she could easily sneak past the security guard tomorrow. After a month of waiting, she still wasn’t 100% sure what the ghosts were planning to do to these people, or if she would be ready for them.

 

She glanced down at the screensaver on her phone. Erin and she were bent over the lab bench working on something when Patty had snapped this particular photograph. She didn’t remember what. She only remembered what she was thinking when she looked up at Erin with loving eyes, frozen forever in the photo. This photo, that reminded her only of the woman she left behind, hoping to protect her from this mysterious threat, but possibly ruining their relationship in the process. 

 

“I never want to leave your side.” 


	3. Personnel: the First Cut is the Deepest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short aside, giving us a look into the mind of our ghost before the hauntings began.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not the funniest chapter, but a necessary one. Suicide mention.

_11:42 AM, September 14th._

 

_ When he woke up, everything was a blur, like he was walking through amber in slow motion. He blinked blearily around the green, hazy outline of the one-bedroom apartment in downtown Philly. Was this his apartment? _

 

_ He found that he couldn’t remember. In fact, he couldn’t remember his name either, and he found that he didn’t particularly care. Images and emotions wandered through his mind like meandering travelers. He drifted through the apartment, looking around for anything that might spark recognition in his…mind? Consciousness? Being?  _

 

_ He urged his faint concentration to focus, processing the foreign objects, noises, and sounds around him. This world once made so much sense to him, but now it was harsh and strange and wrong. His gaze fell on something that did not belong… a region of the carpet that was much darker in color than all of the surrounding colors. Something told him this was significant, that this meant something to him.  _

 

_ He drifted closer, running his evanescent limbs through the carpet, attempting to feel with no nerves, no skin. He felt something, something telling him this spot was bitter, metallic, stale… _

 

_ Blood.  _

 

_ His form flickered as his consciousness was overwhelmed with something akin to memories, bursting in explosions of red and black and rage and fire throughout his vapor.  _

 

_ His body, being carried out by the police. _

 

_ His blade, in his trembling human hands. _

 

_ That woman, taking away the only small thing he had in that life.  _

 

_ His form grew stronger, fueled by the few human emotions that specters could latch onto and be made stronger by: rage. Bitterness. A thirst for revenge.  _

 

_ He felt the need to break something. Gaze latching onto an expensive looking vase he must have once bought, he swung his hand out violently, only to have it do…nothing. He was too weak. He couldn’t touch anything in the human world. The fire in his consciousness burned hotter with his fury. _

 

_ He sensed a living presence entering the room. Timid. Female. A housekeeper, he had had a housekeeper in his former life. Had he been wealthy? Perhaps. He wasn’t anymore, not when he died. A name floated through his consciousness, a name that he directed his confusion, his pain, his burning rage onto: Carol. Closed the whole branch. She did this. She did this... _

 

_ Angrily turning his gaze to her, he felt the fear and panic coursing through her mind, felt the signals firing in her synapses. As his rage burned brighter, he pictured his anger manifesting itself in her  body, felt the signals change direction in real time as his rage infected her every neuron.  _

 

_ A loud crash. The vase was shattered on the floor. The woman’s hand had pushed it to the floor, having suddenly decided that she always hated that vase. Confused and disoriented, seemingly having forgotten that the specter was there, the woman left the apartment.  _

 

_ The specter faded, having used far too much of his energy when he suggested she break the vase. But he would be back. He had business to attend to…. business as usual.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, leave your comments, and visit me on tumblr, @queerbioengineer :)


	4. Will I be home for Christmas?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holtzmann prepares herself for one mess of a movie.
> 
> Abby is the only reasonable one here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> went to see the movie again tonight for reference in all of this. Is that sad?  
> Eh. idc. 
> 
> This is so not gonna be done before the holidays are, but I hope you all keep reading anyways!

 

6:00 AM, November 23rd

 

Holtzmann splashed cold water on her face from the dinky motel room sink. She stared at her worn reflection in the mirror, at the dark bags, cold eyes. She had been up all night helping Abby finish the weapons and tools for today, and it had almost taken her last scrap of energy. But they were done. She dried her face and sauntered back in the bedroom to where Abby had set up all the toys she finished. 

 

“What do you see here, Abby?”

 

“I see earrings that you stole from someone’s dead grandma, Holtzy.”

 

“Au contraire, mon amie. You are looking at the first ever pair of travel size PKE detectors, patent pending.”

 

"No fucking way. Holtz, we’ve been trying to miniaturize that technology for months!”

 

“And here we have it. They’ll blend in perfectly with my clothes, and will transmit the signal directly into my ears, so that only I will be able to hear it at such close range. That’ll help me figure out who the ghost is possessing.”

 

“Oh my God, that’s brilliant! Ooh, before I forget, I finished the proton pepper spray and the lipstick proton pistol for you.”

 

“Perfect. And lastly, one more tool to help me find this pesky spirit. So I ordered a snow machine for the party, right? Really good one too, the Snow Titan, five stars on amazon, excellent quality-“

 

“Holtz”

 

“Right, anyway, so I was able to design a sort of electrical buffer that should weaken the magnitude of ionization in any possessed body we encounter, so it should shake the ghost right out of them without any Patty-slappin’ necessary. I was able to isolate it in a powder form so that I can put it right into the snow machine.”

 

“And make sure nobody in the room is possessed! Holtz, you’re a genius!”

 

“Aw shucks, Erin, it was really nothing…”

 

Holtz’s face dropped, her enthusiasm about her precious toys turning stone cold once again. Abby turned away to fuss with packing the inventions in Mary’s purse, wisely saying nothing about what had just occurred. It wasn’t the first time that month that Holtz had shown signs of cracking. She felt her dear friend sit on the bed behind her, landing quite heavily, considering her petite frame. Finally, Abby sighed, unable to take the tension between them.

 

“Holtz, do you want to call her before you head to the office? She’s been worried about you, I don’t think it’d be the worst idea.”

 

Holtz turned her head to her friend, looking up at her through dark lidded eyes and greasy blonde hair, which hadn’t been washed or styled for the past week. She gave a bitter, un-Holtzmanlike chuckle: “Yeah, because that worked out so well the last time.”

 

* * *

_ 8:00 PM, November 9th _

 

_ “So I told Nate that Clay wanted to see him, right? Something about staring at his assistant Alison too much. So he got all scared and ran off, and of course those other two jackasses were gone, leaving me to the entire IT department.” _

 

_ “Mhmm.” _

 

_ “So I was able to get a few bugs in, to monitor all interdepartmental communications. That way, if the ghost is possessing someone in the office, I’ll be able to track down who’s making the calls.” _

 

_ “I see.” _

 

_ Holtz frowned into the laptop camera. So far on their Skype call, Erin had only been giving her monosyllabic answers. She was no relationship expert, but she almost knew for certain that this was a sign her girlfriend was mad at her.  _

 

_ “Erin, is something the matter?” Worry crept into her voice. Holtz wasn’t even home, what could she have done to make Erin mad? Her toes started twitching nervously on the futon, having ditched her stupid kitten heels the minute she got back to the dinky apartment that night.  _

 

_ Back in New York, Erin sat arms crossed at her desk, staring at the keyboard of her laptop like the alphabet had suddenly gotten very interesting. “Nothing, I’m fine,” the redhead muttered. _

 

_ Holtz’s eyes bulged. Fine. That was another buzzword. She knew because Patty had all but beaten it into her head after Erin had told her it was fine if she didn’t go with her to that modern art symposium. How had she been supposed to know? Erin had refused to dance with Holtz in the lab for two whole days, after that. This, however, was going to end much worse than that.  _

 

_  “Erin, sweetie, did I say something that-“ _

 

_ “No, Jillian, you didn’t say anything.” Erin cut her off all of a sudden, finding herself overwhelmed with everything she had been feeling the past few weeks all at once. “In fact, you haven’t been saying much of anything lately. You never answer my texts, you didn’t even pick up the phone last night-“ _

 

_ “I was working late at the office, I couldn’t help it,” Holtz protested.  _

 

_ “Because you’re busy, right? Because you’re always busy these days, spending all your time with those people, wearing that stupid outfit, being someone you aren’t.” Erin was red in the face now, tears in her eyes. “You just ran off, and you live in Chicago now, and its like you don’t even care about me anymore." _

 

_ Holtz was starting to panic. They hadn’t had a real fight like this, not really. This was all too much all at once, and her mind began moving slower than her mouth. She found herself latching onto her own frustrations with this entire situation, and letting the computer in front of her have it.  _

 

_ “Erin, if you forgot why I’m here, its because there is a ghost threat. Because we hunt ghosts for a living, and I have a responsibility to help these people. They’re good people, and even if they all hate Mary, I care about them. And I’m not going to come home until I know they’re safe, that I’ve done my fucking job.” _

 

_ Erin flinched at the swear, but Holtz didn’t let up. She had built up too much steam, and it was about to drive her into a hole she couldn’t get out of. “And who says you care that much, Erin?” she shot accusatorially. “You could’ve been out here with me, but I didn’t see you jumping out of your seat. All I saw was you packing my bags for me. Do you even want me to come home? Christ, maybe I should just stay here!” _

 

_ Erin’s face changed expression. Holtzmann waited for the retaliation, for Erin to scream at her for being insensitive, stupid, selfish, to really let her have it. Because they were in a fight now, and it was Holtz’s turn to get yelled at. But Erin did something much worse.  _

 

_ She hung up. _

 

_ Holtz stared at her reflection in the screen, watching the tears roll down her horrified expression, dripping onto the keyboard.   _

 

_ “Erin?” she whispered into the dark room. Cold panic seeped into her blood, flooding through every vein in her body.  _

_ “Nonononono, Erin answer the phone, answer the phone, Erin,” she begged, pressing the call button again and again.  _

_ “Erin please, I didn’t mean it, Erin-“ A small window popped up on the screen: call declined. _

 

_ Holtzmann threw the laptop across the room, screaming a harsh, animalistic cry of pain and anguish into the night as the screen cracked on the wall. She slumped down against the wall, putting her hands on her tearstained cheeks and puffy eyes, expression screwed up as regret smacked her in the face. She fell asleep whimpering the same phrase to herself over and over again:” _

 

_ “Holtzy sorry, Holtzy won’t do it again.” _

 

* * *

 

“All I’m saying is, I don’t think its the best idea for me to be relaying messages back and forth between you and the firehouse all day. If you could just talk to her-“

 

“Abby,” Holtz said through gritted teeth. She was already done up as Mary Winetoss for the day, having donned the ridiculous holiday sweater she had stolen from her girlfriend before she left. She had her plan for the day laid out: monitor activity on the bugged lines, determine the most likely candidate for possession, and take them out. Well, it was really more of a series of goals than a plan, but it was the best she had. 

“You know I… I don’t really know where we stand right now, and I don’t think she even wants to talk to me.” Holtz’s voice choked up. “She hasn’t answered any of my texts since the call.”

 

“Holtzmann.” Abby grabbed her small friend’s shoulders firmly. “You love her. She loves you. All couples fight, I’m sure she’s hurting as much as you are. And I’m sure she misses you just as much too.”

 

Holtzmann stared down at her practical shoes. All the kitten heels had gone out the window that night, along with her computer and one of the spectral containment units disguised as birdcages. The rest had been stored in the minivan for safekeeping. “If I need something, I’ll call her. But if not, I’d really rather wait till I get home.

 

Abby gave a soft smile. “Okay, honey.” She fastened a tiny microphone to the inside of Holtzmann’s sweater, and handed her an equally tiny earpiece. "I’ll be listening to you the whole time, as will Patty, back at the Firehouse. If you need anything, let us know. We can talk to you through this, give you any information you need.” She slapped Holtzmann on the back.

 

“Go get ‘em, tiger.”


	5. It's a Small World After All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holtz encounters a problem with her previous plan, and has to call in some help.
> 
> Holtz also has to deal with some very gay distractions, as we finally catch up to Mary Winetoss's adventures in the movie.

 

10:30 AM, November 23rd

 

Inside the desolate IT department, Holtzmann was panicking. 

 

Nate had left to get a cup of coffee in the break room, and the other two imbeciles were God knows where. When Holtz had gotten to her desk that morning, she immediately logged onto the program she had designed to monitor calls in every department, and she found zero new data. Not even new data reporting zero new calls, just zero data. Which could only mean one thing. 

 

“The bugs are no longer transmitting,” she groaned quietly. Fuck.

 

Looking around the computers and circuit boards that lined the walls, making sure that Mary wouldn’t be found somewhere she wasn’t supposed to be, Holtz slid down underneath the elevated stack of processors, tracing her fingers delicately along the cables of the mainframe and quietly reveling in the feeling of handling real machinery at work again. She did however, curse Mary’s preference of skirts and dresses over pants, as she crunched her knees to scoot herself further back beneath the racks. If those sweaty dick-weeds come in right now, she couldn’t help but think, they’re going to be getting an excellent view of my-

 

“Perfect,” she muttered, feeling her hand brush against the small bug she had placed there weeks ago, pulling it off the thick cable with a grunt. Sliding out from the shelves and bringing the bug to her painted face, she couldn’t help but notice it felt sticky, slimy even. She definitely saw scorch marks, where the bug got fried somehow, but she couldn’t be sure if this was what she thought it was. A deep sniff revealed heavy ionization discharge. A small lick revealed the bitter taste that occasionally remained on Erin’s skin, even after multiple scrubs (not that that ever stopped Jillian before). 

* * *

 

_ “You can’t just lick things to find out what they are.” _

 

_ “Can I lick you, to claim you as my own?” _

 

_ “Gross, Jilly.” _

 

_ “Ahh, you love it." _

 

* * *

 

Her suspicions were confirmed: ectoplasm. But what was curious about it was the fact that it only appeared to be on the bug. She snaked her hand back under the processor racks, feeling that the whole length of the cable was bone dry. And unusually hot, she noticed. The ghost couldn’t have done anything to the router, could it? They hadn’t encountered any ghosts that could be so precise with their slimy havoc-wreaking.

 

No, she decided. This must’ve been done by human hands. We’re definitely dealing with a possession, which means the entity must be at least a class 3. Class 4, if they could determine who the ghost used to be. 

 

Holtz tugged at her sweater nervously. Okay, think Jillian, think. How can you narrow down who might’ve been in here this morning? Her eyes snapped over to the door, which was inaccessible to anyone who didn’t have a keycard or a homemade iPhone app that could break any electronic lock in seconds. 

 

The activities log, duh. 

 

She clacked her sensible shoes over to the clipboard, flipping through the last week’s worth of pages until she came to the page for today. The log revealed that only one person had come to IT for help this morning, thus far.

 

Holtz groaned. Of course it was Megan with the nice tits and the low-cut shirts. After being girlfriend-deprived for over a month, Holtzmann was not doing so great on the hormone levels. She would never even think about cheating on Erin, but even she got wandering eyes sometimes, which would not do if she was to keep up her straight-girl persona.

 

She chewed her lip. On the other hand, she was in HR. This might give her the perfect chance to out her ghost.  

 

* * *

11:00 AM, November 23rd

 

“Josh we have a situation.”

 

Josh startled, finding Mary Winetoss walking hurriedly right beside him into the office, a stack of papers clutched in her arms. He had gotten a little too much into his own head, having just come from finalizing his divorce. He had almost forgotten about the office’s undercover agent, Dr. Jillian Holtzmann.

 

“Wow, Mary. You really sneak up on a guy, You’re like a human popup ad.”

 

Holtzmann continued on, undeterred. “You know that memo I sent out on appropriate dress in the workplace?”

 

“Yeah?” Josh answered, a look of slight confusion on his face.

 

“Well it seems like some people didn’t read it, and that person is Megan.” Holtz walked a little closer to him and muttered “Buster.” Josh’s eyes widened in understanding at the code word for “sensitive ghost situation” that they had established. He fell in step behind Holtz as she approached Megan’s desk, prepared to follow her lead. 

 

“Hey Megan,” Mary chirped in a humorless voice. 

 

The dark-haired woman in question turned around from her conversation with Jeremy from Customer Service, revealing herself to be wearing a black lacy bra underneath her very non-conservatively buttoned shirt. Holtzmann found herself suddenly sweaty beneath her sweater. Dammit Holtzmann, she scolded herself. You should’ve taken the chance to have phone sex with Erin while you could. Now you’re hornier than a teenage boy. She sighed at herself internally. We have to get those puppies put away. 

 

“I thought I was clear on the number of buttons that can be unbuttoned at work.”

 

Megan frowned. “Wait you were serious?” 

 

Holtzmann gave an uncomfortable chuckle, trying not to stare directly at Megan's cleavage. It wasn't as nice as Erin's, but it was still nice. 

"It's winter. Can we put Dancer and Prancer back in their stables?"

She shot Josh a look behind her that she hoped to God would convey the message "Help me, I'm gay."

 

Jeremy, always ready to chime in on anything involving Mary, let a smug grin fall onto his face, and accused her in a pompous voice: “Are you body shaming her?”

 

Meanwhile, holtzmann had snuck her fingers into her folders and gathered a small pinch of ghost detection powder from the baggie she had wedged inside. Not enough to shake the ghost out of Megan, but enough to noticeably irritate it if it was in there. She removes her hand and began gesturing dramatically at Megan as she spoke, in order to sprinkle the faint traces of powder from Holtz’s hand onto Megan's skin. 

 

“Some people-“ a flick of the fingers -“might find her outfit-“ a sprinkle onto Megan’s bosom-“ offensive.” One last whiff sprinkles onto the woman’s hair. 

 

Holtz watched Megan closely as the woman stared right back at her. No noticeable signs of irritation, or at least no more so than usual, when Mary was around. She heard Jeremy say something about her sweater. While we hated engaging the angry little man, she needed an excuse to stay for a few extra seconds and monitor Megan’s reaction. So she slapped on Mary’s best fake smile and explained how it was a multi-denominational holiday sweater, so everyone was included on it. 

Erin had knitted the sweater herself over several months, the cutie-pie. She always did love the holidays, and it hurt Holtzmann’s heart that she couldn’t be with her now. But she had to focus on the job. 

 

“What about the satanists?” Jeremy sneered. “Are they included on your sweater?”

 

Holtzmann sighed, taking another glance at Megan, who was still showing no signs of spectral possession. Plus, her earrings weren’t giving her any indication of PKE around the desk. Maybe she hadn’t been the ghost after all. Holtz tapped her foot three times, signaling to Josh that the threat was passed. 

 

Josh, who had been almost silently observing the strange interactions, took the cue gratefully. 

“Alright Jeremy, why don’t we save the protest march for after the holidays, and 

Mary, lets let this one slide.”

 

Holtzmann took the opportunity to stalk back to her office, hearing Megan call “thanks Josh!” after her boss. Its fine, Jillian. Nobody likes HR. Nobody likes HR.

 

But now, she thought sadly, Erin might not like her either. Which made what she had to do next that much worse…

 

* * *

 

"Thanks Bennie, I’m glad you guys are still open today.” Erin accepted the order of Chinese food for her and Patty gratefully, and began searching for her checkbook to give the man a generous tip. 

 

“It’s no problem, I hate going home for the holidays anyway,” Bennie grumbled. “It’s always the same. ‘Bennie, why are you still delivering takeout. Bennie, why don’t you have a girlfriend. Bennie, why aren’t you successful like your brother is.’”

 

“I know the feeling," Erin sympathized. Judgmental parents were the worst. “Is your brother coming home for Christmas at least?”

 

“Nope,” Bennie chuckled bitterly. “He gets to stay out in Chicago for his fancy Office Party with his hot new girlfriend. Which means I get my parents all to myself tonight. ” 

 

“Ouch,” Erin winced. “That’s rough. I also have someone I care about out in Chicago…” 

 

Her thought was interrupted by Patty storming in from the other room, phone in her hand. She held it up for Erin to take: “We got a situation, girl.”

 

Erin brought the phone up to her face, half hoping that it was going to be Abby on the other line. “Hello? 

 

A shaky voice that she had heard so many times, in the morning and at work and even moaning her name at night, answered: “Hi Erin.”

 

Erin balked, her mind flashing back to her last conversation with her girlfriend. “H-hi Jill.”

 

Holtzmann took a deep breath on the other end of the line. “Look, Erin, I know we have a lot to talk about, and I really do want to talk about it, but right now there’s a more pressing matter, and I need you to help me handle it. Can you do that for me?”

 

Erin closed her eyes. This was their job, this was what they got paid to do. Jill’s words from their fight came flashing back to her, about responsibility and helping people. She could do it, to save lives. She could put their issues aside for now.

 

“Yes Jill. What do you need?”

 

Holtz sighed in relief. Well, this was a start. “I need access to the Zenotec mainframe. I don’t know how, but the ghost found my bug, so I can’t monitor anyone’s calls or messages. Without it, I don’t know how I’m going to be able to track down the ghost.”

 

Erin rubbed her temples. “Can’t you just hack into the router yourself? I mean, Zenotec is an internet company, it has to have a way to monitor communications in each department already.”

 

Bennie looked up from the chair he had made himself comfortable in, and whispered over to Patty: “Did she say Zenotec?”

 

“Shh,” Patty whispered. “We’re having kinda an undercover emergency, over here.”

 

On the other end, Holtzmann was trying not to look suspicious, typing nonsense into her computer while speaking quietly into the microphone Abby had set up for her. Her phone was in her desk, relaying the call to her microphone and earpiece, so as to minimize unwanted attention from any possible ghosts. 

 

“I don’t really have time for that, Erin.” Holtzmann muttered. “I’m not familiar enough with Zenotec’s system, it could take me hours. We would need someone in IT to do it for us.”

 

Erin slumped in her chair. “Great. I guess we should’ve sent you undercover into Zenotec’s IT department instead.”

 

“Um, Doctor Gilbert?” Bennie piped up. “Are you talking about the Zenotec in Chicago?”

 

Erin frowned at their favorite delivery guy. “Yes, how’d you know?”

 

“Well, that’s where my brother Nate works,” Bennie replied.

 

Having listened to the exchange on the other line, Holtzmann practically jumped in her seat. “You don’t mean NATE, the head of IT, do you Bennie?”

 

“Yup, thats him. The successful one.” Bennie rolled his eyes in disgust.

 

“Well, can you get him to help us?” Erin asked excitedly. 

 

Bennie looked doubtful. “I dunno, he owes me a favor, but I was kinda hoping to use that one to get Dad’s old motorcycle when he buys a new one…”

 

Thinking fast, Erin blurted: “We’ll get you a date with Abby.”

 

Bennie’s eyes lit up. “Done.”


	6. A Wrench in Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The conference room scene, Holtz's POV

11:10 AM, November 23rd

 

Nate slumped in his chair as his employees left the break room. What did those jerks know, he could have a girlfriend. Becca could be real. He had a good job, good money. He only wished he had someone to take to Mary’s wine and cheese mixer tonight. Maybe he could spend his Christmas bonus on doing what he did for senior prom. Granted, that was a low point for him. Nobody really wanted to introduce their English teacher to a prostitute named Ginger…

 

His phone dinged in his pocket. Bennie wanted him to call. Stupid Bennie, living it up in New York with his hot girlfriend Abby. He groaned, moving to get up and go take the call in his office, but hesitated when he saw Joel shaking the break room vending machine violently. 

 

“Um, you okay there buddy?” Nate offered timidly, pushing his glasses a little further back onto his face. 

 

“Can you believe they raised the price of the vending machines again?” Joel looked uncharacteristically angry for a man who spent his weekends DJ-ing senior bingo nights at the YMCA. “Two dollars for ginger ale? They’re trying to crush us,” he gave the machine another violent shake. “Like ants!”

 

Nate stared through the window at all his coworkers, hurrying about, trying to meet their deadlines. While the holidays were certainly stressful for everyone, it seemed to be different this year, somehow. Like, everybody was on edge, ready to snap at the first person who tested them. Something was off, he could tell.

 

“There’s a lot of negative energy in this office,” Nate murmured. 

 

Meanwhile, Nate had missed the slightly glassy look in Joel’s eyes, as he shook his head, a bit confused as to why he had just been shaking the vending machine. A faint green vapor slithered its way down Joel’s neck and back into his pocket, where it vanished, unseen.

 

Before Nate could add anything else about the lack of christmas spirit, Alison burst into the break room, panting heavily. 

 

“Nate, all department heads to the conference room now. It’s Carol.”

 

Nate went pale. Bennie would have to wait. 

* * *

11:15 AM, November 23rd

Holtz had been over by the HR coffee machine arranging a cheese platter when Alison gave her the notice about Carol. She had suspected that the snow machine  wouldn’t cover every square inch of the party, so she thought she could improve her chances by lacing the party snacks with deionization powder. It would’ve only taken her a minute if she hadn’t kept stopping to eat some of the cheese. She imagined Erin would scold her for eating so much cheese when she was lactose intolerant. But she couldn’t help stress eating a little bit, there was a ghost gone awol and Bennie still hadn’t gotten through to Nate to secure his help for them. 

 

She had almost finished when Alison grabbed her by the arm, dragging her out of her office with cheese platter in tow. 

 

“Alison what have I told you about inappropriate touching at work?” She spluttered. 

 

“I’m sorry Mary, but trust me, you don’t want to be late for this.” Alison practically threw her through the conference room door, running off to gather more department heads. 

 

Holtz took the opportunity to assess her surroundings. Everyone was here except for Josh and Clay. At the head of the table was a very attractive, very angry looking woman. Holtzmann couldn’t tell if she was 30 or 50, but from the way she glared at all the department heads who were staring at their shoes intensely, it would not do well to ask her. Mary reached out a polite hand.

 

“Carol, I presume.”

 

Carol didn’t even look up from her reports. “Yes, and you are?”

 

“Mary Winetoss, the new head of HR.”

 

Carol glanced up coldly. “New, hm? I’ll keep that in mind.” She returning to boring her eyes into the papers. 

 

Mary skittered backwards into her seat with a nervous laugh. It’s your ass I’m saving here, lady, Holtzmann grumbled to herself. But hey, no good deed goes unpunished, amirite?

 

2 minutes later, Josh and Clay burst through the door, with 12 shopping bags and Alison in tow. Not the best timing, Joey and Chandler, Holtzmann thought. Rachel Green over here looks like she’s already had her tampon tugged today. 

 

Holtz watched the brother/sister rivalry unfold before her eyes, with no small amount of amusement. The tense greetings, the name calling. It was like foster home thanksgiving all over again.

 

“Clay, take a seat.” Oooh, that’s a power move, Holtz said to herself.

 

“Um, actually, I prefer to stand, because this is… my branch.” Good recovery my dude, good recovery.

 

“Very well. Alison, please remove Clay’s chair from the table.” Holtz had to stifle a snicker.

 

Carol began viciously berating Clay about their fourth quarter earnings, but Holtz soon found herself distracted by some very loud static in her earpiece. She frowned. The piece was wireless, there shouldn’t be any interruptions, unless… she glanced over to Clay’s shopping bags, noticing the name “Brookstone.” Shit. If he had gotten walkie talkies or any cool shit like that, and had turned them on to play with them like any sensible man, then they were going to cause interference.

 

She noticed Clay move to go retrieve his chair, and realized he was going to toss the Brookstone bag off his chair closer to Mary, which would make a very loud burst of interference that would be audible to the others in the room. Shit, she couldn’t get found out now, she thought. Carol was right here, this could blow the whole thing. 

 

Feeling all of the cheese grumbling in her stomach, she quickly concentrated, hoping her old college party trick could help her out just as Clay tossed his bags on the ground, just as Carol said the branch was failing…

 

“I’m so sorry…” Mary winced as the loud burst of static in her ear was covered up by a rather loud and incredibly well-timed fart. “I hate tension, and I farted.” Mary put her hand to her head in embarrassment.

 

After a prolonged, disbelieving look from Carol, she returned to the discussion of creating new revenue, or else this branch would be closed just like Orlando was this morning, and Philadelphia was several months ago. 

 

Holtz sighed in relief, only to tense back up again when she heard a buzzing noise in both her ears. That wasn’t the earpiece, that was her PKE detectors. The ghost was in this room. 

 

She tapped her foot nervously while Tracy discussed her Anywair invention, something that could give you seamless wifi from any electrical device.  The buzzing was getting louder, but she couldn’t tell which direction the ghost was in. Judging from the signal, it was coming at her from all directions, but she couldn’t see any vapor. Where was it? She groaned quietly in frustration at the elusive spirit. 

 

She thought back to the IT room. It had to be possessing somebody, that was the only logical explanation. Good thing she had brought the ghost-repelling cheese platter with her into the conference room. She tuned back into the conversation just in time to hear Carol saying “…is there anything else, anyone wants to talk about?” Probably said sarcastically, but Mary took the opportunity anyway. 

 

“Actually yes,” the dumpy woman chimed in, whipping out her cheese platter from seemingly nowhere. Holtz heard the buzzing in her ears pick up, and she started babbling absentmindedly as she tried to determine where it was coming from. “I have a small cheese platter sampling for the wine and cheese mixer tonight, sorry there’s so much Gouda, it was the MVP last year… but we also do have a feisty cheddar on the bench-“

 

“Wait a minute,” Carol interrupted. “You all are having a Christmas Party tonight?” 

 

Mary, ever the HR rep, corrected her: “Ah, its not a Christmas Party, its a non-denominational Holiday Mixer.” She leaned over to whisper dramatically to Nate: “More inclusive.” Nate stared back at her with eyes that said “Why are you like this.”

 

Carol’s eyes grew steelier. “Oh no, that is not happening.” 

 

Everyone turned to Clay as he fumbled for his words: “Well I wouldn’t say its happening, I mean, its just going to be like a casual little thing, you know-“

 

“Just a small thing that’s really important to everyone,” Josh chimed in. He knew how integral the party was to Holtz’s plan, and tried his best to vouch for it. 

 

However, Carol was not so easily swayed. “No, okay, the party is cancelled. You got that? Cancelled.”

 

Holtz began to panic. The PKE meter earrings weren’t leading her to any individual in the room, and the deionization powder had been a crap shoot to begin with. The party was her best bet to pounce on the ghost when it tried to make its move. She looked over to Clay desperately, willing the man to fight his sister on this. 

 

Clay gave a resigned sigh, and said “Okay, okay, no party.” After which he immediately made eye contact with Holtz and mouthed something that looked like “The trumpet is blown.”

 

“What?” Holtz mouthed back at him.

 

Clay mouthed more clearly: “The party is on, we’ll still have the party,” and made the drinking symbol with his hand. 

 

“Hey idiots!” Carol yelled, as Holtz gave an knowing smile and wink back at Clay. “I can see you, I’m right here.”

 

“What? No, the party is cancelled,” Clay insisted, before turning again to mouth reassurances back at Holtz, who mouthed “I gotcha,” and gave him a thumbs up. 

 

“Hey! Josh, you can- I can clearly see him, he’s talking to the farty cheese lady!” Carol grew more frustrated, as Holtz nodded appreciatively at the new nickname. Hey, anything beat Ghost Tits. 

 

Unfortunately for Clay and Holtz, Carol put her foot down, practically hissing “The party is cancelled,” before storming off to Clay’s office with the sheepish man in tow. 

 

Mary slumped in her chair, as the other heads left the conference room dejectedly. Nate rushed off to call his brother back. Alison went to spy on Clay and Carol’s conversation. She also noticed Joel munching on a piece of cheese as he left, traipsing off to work on his resume for what he assumed would be his next series of job interviews.

 

Well, Holtz thought glumly. Thats two suspects down, 198 to go.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you like it so far! Feel free to comment, I'm a slut for Holtzbert and validation. 
> 
> Follow me on tumblr at @queerbioengineer


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